I like it when I learn something that helps me figure out something about myself. I like to take bits and pieces of what I pick up and figure out how it applies to my own interpretation of my life. For me, understanding myself and my life events is of utmost importance because I believe in order to learn the lessons provided through those experiences, I must understand how each one fits into the bigger picture.
I have had many wonderful teachers in my life. And mentors. Each one has had such an impact on me – giving me something I needed, exactly when I needed it. Of course I can look back and see that now. I didn’t realize it consciously when it was happening. But being able to look back and understand what I have been given is a part of understanding the lessons of my life.
My biggest teacher has been someone I had never expected to meet. But she is someone I love more than words can express. My best teacher has been my daughter. It has been through her that I have come to understand many of the pieces of my life that kept me prisoner for so long.
Because my mother had died suddenly at 30 and had left me with such a huge hole in my soul, I swore to myself that I would never have a child. Secretly I “knew” that I would die at the same age as my mother. I remember when I was a senior in college counting out the years that I had “left.” Because the pain of her loss was still so great and because I never wanted someone else to feel that pain, I knew I could not bring a child into the world.
I turned 30 one February, much to my surprise. I had waited for the big event and it never came. It was like a huge hurdle I had passed. But that had not changed my mind about having a child. I was focused on my career and building a life with a man I had married. But, as usual, the Universe had other plans and in March of my 31st year I discovered I was pregnant. Pregnant despite the pill. Pregnant. Wow…my body vibrated with the overwhelming responsibility.
Now my daughter had a mind of her own right from the start. She actually was due in early December but refused to come on her scheduled due date and stayed in the womb for an extra three weeks…finally deciding to greet the world early one Christmas morning, the day before I was to be induced.
From the moment she was born, my lessons began. She has been the most difficult teacher, the most frustrating, the most exasperating teacher I have ever had. She has pushed me harder than I thought I could handle. Her tests were the most draining. But she is the one who has taught me the most about myself. And every day, okay…well, most days, I am glad she has taught me so much. Some days I feel like I could use a longer recess in between tests…but I wouldn’t trade this teacher for the world.
I have always told my daughter she was my best Christmas present…I think I’ll write Santa this year and say thank you.
