As you may have noticed in my last few posts, the last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I don’t handle loss well…but then I guess not many people do. Perhaps the loss of my mother at such a young age exaggerates the feeling out of proportion…but exactly what is proportionate? Yes, Diddy was “just” a dog; but he was also a member of my family – one in which I invested considerable emotion and attachment.
The immediate aftermath of Diddy’s death caused me to imagine how he was feeling – being lost and alone – at the time of his death. Alone is a HUGE feeling for me and I’m aware I transfer this feeling when I experience any kind of loss. I’m guessing that’s because that was a huge feeling I had after my mother died. Feeling alone and unprotected; feeling unsafe…these are all feelings I battle still. So after a few days I recognized that I had transferred all these feelings onto Diddy…that these are the things he must have been feeling in those hours he was lost and then killed. And those imaginings – of how Diddy was feeling – tortured me. Literally. I ached with my grief and I felt so responsible because it was MY job to protect him.
Isn’t it amazing how the traumas in our lives continue to affect us – years and years later? Once I recognized that these were my disproportionate feelings; that these were the feelings I continue to deal with, I could let go of much of the pain. Or maybe a therapist would say that my pain moved back into the realm of appropriate proportion.
Last week I was at lunch with a friend and my family doctor came into the restaurant. I hadn’t seen her for about 6 months, since I hadn’t been sick. I really like this woman. She had been our doctor for more than 8 years, ever since we moved here. She helped me through some difficult times of illness with my daughter. I really came to trust and depend on her.
After she greeted me, she broke the news that she had left the practice the week before and was moving about 40 miles away and joining another practice so she could be closer to her parents – who are growing older. I was shocked at the depth of my reaction. She moved on to a nearby booth with her party and I found myself choked up, my eyes welled up with tears. Another loss. The alone feeling came over me and I was amazed at my reaction. I had depended on her to take care of me and to take care of my daughter…and she was leaving us. Who would take care of us? There it is again…the loss of my mother STILL affecting my life; still causing my loss reactions to be out of proportion.
The grief seems to bubble up more easily these days…TV shows and those Hallmark commercials can make me cry. Pretty much everything can make me feel like crying. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on why I am so ultra sensitive now and I realize that I have a lot going on in my life right now.
I’ve started my own business which creates financial stress. My only daughter is getting married and though I am overjoyed for her and her fiance…I am fighting the alone feelings, which I am sure are out of proportion. There is a grieving process that goes along with life transitions. Grieving the loss of security of a “regular” paycheck; grieving the loss of my little girl while celebrating the woman she’s becoming; grieving the loss of what was my life these past 12 years that we’ve been on our own while looking forward to a new life.
All of this grief was compounded by the loss of my beloved Diddy…So I guess it seems understandable why my pain and reactions are out of proportion right now. It could also be physical – menopause perhaps. I may even be a bit depressed. My sister has reminded me to take my vitamins, especially the Bs to help even out my mood; which I am doing.
I will bounce back. One thing I know about myself is that I am resilient. I have had to be. Besides, I have a wedding to plan.
